Dear Tea Party

Dear Tea Party Members,

I understand your frustration with government, believe me, we've all been there. Your idea to abolish government is brilliant. I also think your ideas about race, immigration, sexuality, and religion are a bit "Dark Ages" and Draconic, but hey, what're a few civil rights here and there? It's not like you're bothering white, straight, pureblooded Americans. I suppose you can't please everybody.

If you should win big this year, there will of course be some changes, so I think we should all start practicing for them now.
From now on, the following changes will be made in the way we live:
1. If you have a problem, don't call the police, there won't be any. Call one of your friends with a shotgun; I'm sure they can take care of anything that's troubling you.

2. If your house is on fire, get a bucket, 'cause the fire department will not be available. You wouldn’t want to be funding any of those lazy fire departments; all they ever do is run into burning buildings and try to stop people from smoking in bed. Where have our rights gone?
3. Winter ice and snow on the road? Hey, spring is just around the corner, so sit tight. Road crews from the county or town no longer exist, so call your pals to start shoveling.

4. Free public education? Nope - keep those kids at home and teach 'em what you can. All the schools ever did was perpetuate learning and which only leads to you having to pay for college. It’s much cheaper this way. It's great fun, you can be with your kids 24/7, especially when you can't get out of the driveway in the winter. Oh and by the way, those books you used to get for free, they cost about $150.00 each, so ante up, the school district isn’t providing them anymore.

5. Natural catastrophe befall you? Flood? Forest fire? Errant fireball from the sky? Too bad, nobody to call, just wait it out, if you don't get killed in the aftermath, you can forage for food in the forest with the rest of us. Oh wait, the forest burned down…never mind, there’s always cannibalism. Just make sure you only bite into red-blooded Americans, you wouldn’t want to be warped in any way by ingesting creepy liberals, or God forbid someone that wasn’t Christian or white.

6. Did I mention hospitals, the military, state colleges, libraries? Of course I didn't, because there aren't any.

I think you are all on the right track. Who needs this modern life anyway? The Dark Ages were good enough for the Huns and peasants; they're good enough for us. Oops, gotta go, they're burning the bridge to the moat.